Harry Potter and the Holy Grail
by Platinum Bunny
Summary: Join King Harry Potter and his coconut-banging crew on a journey you'll never forget! Utter insanity. ^^ [incomplete]
1. Cast of Characters

**Casting: In Order of Appearance  
**(A/N: Have I forgotten anyone? ;_;)**  
**  
_King Arthur_ - Harry Potter  
_Arthur's Horse _- Hedwig  
_Patsy _- Ron Weasley  
_Patsy's Horse _- Pigwidgeon  
_Guard 1_ - The Fat Lady  
_Guard 2_ - Nearly Headless Nick  
_Mortician_ - Lavender Brown  
_Cart-Puller_ - Padma Patil  
_Mortician Customer_ - Parvati Patil  
_"Dead" Person _- Lord Voldemort  
_Dennis _- Percy Weasley  
_Dennis' Friend_ - Penelope Clearwater  
_Black Knight_ - Draco Malfoy  
_Green Knight _- Pansy Parkinson  
_Crowd _- Various Characters  
_Villager 1 _- Marcus Flint  
_Sir Bedevere_ - Hermione Granger  
"_Witch" _- Sibyll Trelawney  
_Villager 2_ - Vincent Crabbe  
_Villager 3 _- Greg Goyle  
_Narrator _- Lee Jordan  
_Sir Launcelot_ - Seamus Finnigan  
_Sir Galahad_ - Dean Thomas  
_Sir Robin_ - Neville Longbottom  
_Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Film_ - Blaise Zabini  
_Bedevere's Horse _- Crookshanks  
_Launcelot's Horse _- Blast-Ended Skrewt  
_Galahad's Horse_ - Buckbeak  
_Robin's Horse _- Trevor  
_Singer_ - Cornelius Fudge  
_God_ - Albus Dumbledore  
_French Guard_ - Fleur Delacour  
_Misc. French Guards _- Fleur's Groupies  
_Director _- Professor Sprout  
_Historian _- Cedric Diggory  
_Historian's Wife_ - Cho Chang  
_Singing Minstrel _- Sirius Black  
_Left Head _- Fluffy #1  
_Center Head_ - Fluffy #2  
_Right Head_ - Fluffy #3  
_Zoot _- Fred Weasley  
_Midget _- Colin Creevey  
_Crepper_ - Dennis Creevey  
_Piglet_ - Madam Promfrey  
_Winston_ - Minerva McGonagall  
_Virgin 1 _- Alicia Spinnet  
_Virgin 2 _- Angelina Johnson_  
Virgin 3 _- Katie Bell_  
Virgin 4 _- Ginny Weasley  
_Dingo_ - George Weasley  
_Bridgekeeper_ - Mr. Ollivander  
_Head Knight_ - Remus Lupin  
_Misc. Knight 1_ - Professor Flitwick  
_Misc. Knight 2 _- Arthur Weasley  
_Misc. Knight 3 _- Amos Diggory  
_Herbert's Father _- Rubeus Hagrid  
_Prince Herbert _- Oliver Wood  
_Guard 1_ - Charlie Weasley  
_Guard 2 _- Bill Weasley  
_Concorde _- Molly Weasley  
_Old Crone _- Peeves  
_Roger_ - James Potter  
_Tim_ - Peter Pettigrew  
_Maynard_ - Severus Snape  
_Brother_ - Viktor Krum  
_Inspector _- Mad-Eye Moody  
_Officer 1_ - Rita Skeeter  
_Officer 2_ - Ludo Bagman  
_Cameraman_ - Barty Crouch Jr.


	2. "We're getting violent now, aren't we?"

*stares* Has this been done...? ^_^;; Too bad if it has...took me too long to just quit on it.  
  
It'd be nice if you've seen the movie "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" before you read this, but you don't really need to. It's virtually the same, anyway. x_X;; Anyway, I spent a good few weeks on this chapter...errrgh, and I'm finally done. I need some sleep.  
  
No fangirls were harmed in the making of this fanfic. Oh, and ignore all the fangirl bashing, by the way, I'm kind of one myself. ^^  
  
DISCLAIMER: I own no rights to either "Monty Python" or Harry Potter. Which is kind of bad. But then again, this parody is copyright me. I also don't own any companies or anything mentioned inside the fic...which includes Pierce Brosnan. I unfortunately do not own him. XP  


**  
Harry Potter and the Holy Grail  
Part One**  
By Platinum Bunny  
  


[We open on a nice little countryside-type place, with a large castle on a nice little hill. Yup, it's all good. Anyway, soon there are sounds of horses coming up the hill, their hooves clopping against the ground. Cut to shot of the Fat Lady and Nearly Headless Nick, who are the guards of the palace. Nick is carrying the portrait around, actually. And who would be coming up the hill - none other than the wonderful Harry Potter and his sidekick Ron Weasley, along with their faithful owls - Hedwig the Noble and Pigwidgeon the Crack-Induced. In case you're curious, Hedwig and Pig are carrying a pair of coconuts each.]  
  
Fat Lady: Password?  
  
Harry: Er - I don't know.  
  
Fat Lady: [sighs] Well, then, who are you? If you're someone worthy, perhaps I'll permit you to continue.  
  
Harry: My name is Harry Potter. I'm a kid. Can I come in now?  
  
Fat Lady: You'll have to do better than that.  
  
Harry: [grits teeth and sighs] _Fine. _It is I, the amazing and talented Harold James Potter! Son of James Potter and Lily Potter, The-Boy-Who-Lived, Only Survivor of the Dreaded Killing Curse, and King of Children's Literature! I need to see your Lord, as I am recruiting people to come and help me fight against the Death Eaters of Lord Voldemort, if I even _make_ it as far as my fifth year at school!  
  
Fat Lady: Good. Who's this guy, then?  
  
[She points to Ron.]  
  
Harry: Oh - er, that's Ron, my sidekick. You should ignore him.  
  
[Suddenly, the Fat Lady notices that the two of them aren't using horses - Ron and Harry both have Pig and Hedwig behind them respectively, clopping coconuts together. Yes, it's illogical, but shut up.]  
  
Fat Lady: Um...what's with the fruit-type-thing-that-I'm-not-even-sure-is-a-fruit?  
  
Harry: Beg your pardon?  
  
Fat Lady: [pointing as best a portrait can] The coconuts. Those owls have two coconut halves and are banging them together.   
  
Harry: Why does it matter? Just let me past!  
  
Fat Lady: Where did the coconuts come from?  
  
Harry: Found 'em on the road.  
  
Fat Lady: Excuse me? You found them, here in England? The coconut is a tropical fruit.  
  
Harry: Meaning...?  
  
Fat Lady: We're in a temperate zone!  
  
[Harry clearly doesn't understand what the Fat Lady is talking about. Neither does Ron, but he just kinda sits around and looks interested.]  
  
Harry: Uhhh... The Golden Snidget may fly south - er, yeah, I think it's south - and the plumber wants to get a better occupation, but...okay, what am I doing? I don't understand a word of what I'm saying.  
  
Fat Lady: Neither, apparently, does anyone else...hey, are you suggesting coconuts migrate?  
  
Harry: W-well of course they don't! They get carried!  
  
Fat Lady: ...A Snidget couldn't carry a coconut.  
  
Harry: Er - it could carry the coconut by the husk.  
  
Fat Lady: Look, kid! That's not the point! We're talking about weight ratios here. A small little bird couldn't carry a coconut that weighs one pound, you know!  
  
Harry: All right, quite frankly - I don't care. Can you just go tell your lord that Harry Potter is here?  
  
[The Fat Lady completely ignores him.]  
  
Fat Lady: In order to maintain air-speed velocity, the Snidget needs to flap its wings a lot. I think it's forty-three times a second or something, right?  
  
Harry: I don't care!  
  
Fay Lady: Well? Am I correct?  
  
Harry: [now extremely angry] Does it look like I give a bloody fu -  
  
Nick: Well, what if an African Snidget carried the coconut over? That might work, you know...  
  
[The Fat Lady blinks up in surprise at Nick.]  
  
Fat Lady: Well, yeah, maybe. But most certainly not a European one, that's what I'm saying.  
  
Nick: I concur.  
  
Harry: WILL YOU PLEASE ASK YOUR LORD IF HE'D LIKE TO JOIN ME ON MY QUEST?!  
  
[The Fat Lady and Nick are still ignoring him, making Harry upset. Hedwig halfheartedly bangs the coconuts.]  
  
Fat Lady: Oh! But Sir Nicholas...I don't think that Snidgets are migrating birds, you see, and there aren't many left, what with that Snidget-hunting fetish going around so many years ago.  
  
Nick: That's right, right...  
  
Fat Lady: Which means they couldn't bring back a coconut.  
  
[Harry and Ron, finally disgusted and impatient, go back down the hill, clopping all the way.]  
  
Nick: But if two of the migrating and still-living Snidgets got together, do you suppose they could carry the coconut?  
  
Fat Lady: Hm - I don't know, they aren't all that small...ah! They could use owl post, that would be quite easy and it's possible!  
  
Nick: What kind of owls, though? I mean, there are so many types.  
  
Fat Lady: Certainly...  
  
[As Harry and Ron walk on, we cut to a shot of a little shop. Lavender is standing outside her Nice Little Shop of Dead People, walking around and trying to get people to bring on their dead bodies to her. It's not working too well, actually.]  
  
Lavender: Okay, um, bring on your dead. Bring 'em all over here. [pauses, then sighs deeply] Man, this job totally_ sucks! _I hate dead people, they all smell bad and they can't compliment you on your hair! I mean, why in the world did I get stuck with a cra - oooh, hiya Parvati!  
  
[Parvati comes up, and with her comes a large cart with the body of Voldemort in it. Her twin sister Padma is pulling the cart.]  
  
Padma: [under her breath] Slave-driver...  
  
Parvati: Hi, Lavender! I have a dead body for you - here's nine Galleons!  
  
Lavender: Cool, I'm finally making money.  
  
[Without any warning, Voldemort pops up from the cart. Lavender shrieks and grabs onto Parvati's arm in fight.]  
  
Voldemort: I'm not dead!  
  
Lavender: H-huh!?  
  
Parvati: Nothing, nothing! Just take the nine Galleons and the body, okay?  
  
Voldemort: Come on, I'm not dead! Look at me!  
  
Lavender: Um, Parvati? He, like, says he's not dead.   
  
Parvati: Sure he is! He's ugly enough to be dead, right? And all dead people are ugly, _everybody _knows that.  
  
Voldemort: But I'm not dead! Maybe I was once...or something...but not anymore!  
  
Padma: He's right!  
  
[Parvati smacks Padma over the head.]  
  
Parvati: Silence, evil clone!  
  
Padma: Humph. I _am_ the older twin, you know...  
  
Parvati: [ignoring Padma] Er - anyway, he'll most certainly be dead in a few minutes. Deathly sick, y'know. With, um...spinal infestation. In fact, I saw it when I was crystal-gazing, and you _never_ argue with the orb!  
  
Padma: That's not even a di -   
  
[Parvati smacks Padma again.]  
  
Padma: [under her breath] Fine. I won't talk. Just wait 'till we get home...  
  
Voldemort: Spinal infestation?! [pauses] Well, even if I did happen to have such a disease, I'm getting better!  
  
Parvati: [laughs] Yeah, right! You'll be stiff as a board in a moment!  
  
Lavender: Well, you kinda haveta wait 'till he's dead - it's against regulations.  
  
Voldemort: B-but I don't want to go into that - that cart thing!  
  
[He points to the dead body cart, where lots of dead bodies are piled. Well, that's rather obvious, isn't it?]  
  
Parvati: Aren't you supposed to be the all-feared Dark Lord?   
  
Voldemort: [blinks] Well, yeah.  
  
Parvati: Then stop being a baby!  
  
[Voldemort takes out his "People I Hate Most" notepad and scribbles Parvati's name right underneath "That Evil Pimply Kid at the Arcade."]  
  
Lavender: No, seriously, Parvati...I can't take him. He's not dead yet!  
  
Voldemort: I feel fine! See?  
  
[Voldemort starts doing the tango inside the cart. No one seems to notice this, 'cept for Padma, who's just sitting around again. Meanwhile, Parvati starts pouting and putting on puppy-eyes.]   
  
Parvati: C'moooon, Lavender! You're supposed to be my best friend and stuff, it would be a huge favor! Besides, I let you borrow my copy of _Teenage Witch Weekly_ the other day, so this would be returning the favor, y'know?  
  
Lavender: You only borrowed it because you needed the order that stupid hair butterfly since McGonagall confiscated it from you!  
  
[Parvati is getting very annoyed by this point.]  
  
Parvati: Well, can't you kill him yourself, then?  
  
Lavender: [shakes head] Nope.  
  
[Parvati seems deep in thought for a few moments. After clutching her head from the pain that thinking brought, she straightens up again.]  
  
Parvati: Well, at least hang around for a few minutes. He'll be dead soon enough.  
  
Lavender: I would, but I haveta head over to the Weasley's...they've got a lot of dead people lying around their land. Large family and all.  
  
Padma: Why don't we come back another day?  
  
[Parvati slams Padma's head into the cart. Padma gets a nosebleed.]  
  
Padma: OW! You rotten little...  
  
[She turns away to tend to her broken nose.]  
  
Parvati: Humph! Anyway, Lavender...when's your next round?  
  
Lavender: Thursday.  
  
[Voldemort, who has been silent for a while, stands up and starts to sneak off.]  
  
Voldemort: Hey, I think I'm going to murder the Potter boy now, if that's all right by you guys.  
  
[Before Voldemort can walk away, Parvati whirls around and slams his head into the cart, as she previously did with Padma.]  
  
Voldemort: _Damn!_ Ow ow ow! Stupid little prima donna...  
  
Parvati: So, is there anything you can do until Thursday?  
  
Lavender: No.  
  
Parvati: [sighs] Well, thanks anyway! I guess I'll be seeing you on Thursday.  
  
Lavender: Definitely!  
  
[Suddenly, Harry and Ron come clopping by. Hedwig and Pig are still clopping the coconuts together.]  
  
Lavender: Oooh, who're they?  
  
Parvati: I'unno.  
  
Voldemort: [with blood gushing from his nose] Pooootter...I'm coming for yoooou in your sleeeeeep...I will kill you and your friiiiends...like I did your paaaarents...  
  
[Harry walks past without even noticing him.]  
  
Voldemort: Damn.  
  
Lavender: [staring after Harry and Ron] I think the cute one's someone important!  
  
Parvati: Why?  
  
Lavender: [matter-of-factly] He's got coconuts.  
  
[Yay, we're back to Harry and Ron. *crowd wakes up from their drunken states and pays attention* Okay, so anyway, continuing on, they walk into a cute little village-type thing with lots of peasants around. The two of them approach one of the peasants from behind.]  
  
Harry: Excuse me, old woman?  
  
[Percy turns around, and looks extremely affronted.]  
  
Percy: Man!  
  
Harry: Whatever, sorry. Does a knight live in that castle over there? [points to a castle off in the distance]  
  
Percy: Nineteen.  
  
Harry: Pardon?  
  
Percy: I'm nineteen years old, I'm not old!  
  
Harry: It wouldn't be polite to just call you 'man,' though.   
  
Percy: [frowns] Well, call me by my name, then.  
  
[Harry stares at him. Percy stares back. This goes on for a few very long minutes, until Pig claps his coconuts together.]  
  
Percy: Right - my name is Percy.  
  
Harry: You should've told me beforehand. We would have never had this little disagreement.  
  
Percy: [irritably] You never bothered to find out my name, did you?  
  
Harry: Okay, Percy, I apologized about the "old woman" thing! From behind, you kind of looked like a girl!  
  
Percy: I object that you automatically treat me like an inferior, just because you have more money and fangirls than me!  
  
Harry: [grins slightly] I _am_ the Boy-Who-Lived.  
  
Percy: Oh, really, the Boy-Who-Lived, that's pretty damn nice. How did that come round, exactly? By poisoning and corrupting the community, making them pity you because your parents are dead, and being this whole stupid "underdog hero" thing. If we're ever going to make any progress in society -  
  
[All of a sudden, Penelope Clearwater walks up and smashes Percy over the head with her broomstick, instantly shutting him up as he falls to the ground with a concussion. Then she turns to Harry and smiles pleasantly, as if nothing had happened.]  
  
Penelope: How do you do, sir?  
  
Harry: Er...[looks at the unconscious Percy] I'm fine. Anyway, I'm Harry Potter, the King of...er - Hogwarts Students. Yeah, that's right.  
  
Penelope: Who?  
  
Harry: Hogwarts Students.  
  
Penelope: Oh - I wasn't under the impression we had a king. I thought we were one of those happy joyful white communities with no worries or problems in life...kind of like the Brady Bunch.  
  
[Percy recovers from his concussion and jumps up from the ground.]  
  
Percy: Penny, pay no mind to that bunch of Bradys. As I was saying, these are times of dictatorship! We live in a self-perpetuating autocracy in which the poor and working classes -  
  
Penelope: [sighs] Must you bring class into it?  
  
Percy: That's what it's about!  
  
[Pig claps the coconuts together very urgently.]  
  
Harry: Okay, as much as I'd enjoy seeing a nice little lover's quarrel, I really need to get going, and I think Ron's going to soil himself soon. Who exactly lives in that castle?  
  
[Penelope turns away from her little mini-arguement.]  
  
Penelope: No one.  
  
Harry: 'Kay...then, um, who's your lord?  
  
Penelope: We don't have one.  
  
Harry: Er - excuse me?  
  
Percy: [sighs] Like I said, we're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take turns acting as a kind of executive officer, one per week.  
  
Harry: Yeah, that's pretty damn great.  
  
Percy: But, that officer's decisions have to be ratified at an extremely special and selective biweekly meeting between members of the community.  
  
Harry: [impatiently] Glorious.  
  
Percy: You see, we do it by a simple majority vote in the case of internal affairs, but for other things -  
  
[Harry is growing very angry by this point, mainly because Percy won't shut his mouth for even two seconds.]  
  
Harry: Shut up.  
  
Percy: [who has still been talking all this time] - it needs to be at least two-third's majority, or else we have to -  
  
[Harry is Very Very Mad. Note the use of capitals.]  
  
Harry: Shut up! I hereby order you to shut up!  
  
Penelope: [frowns] Don't order Percy around! Really, where do you come off saying something like that to him?  
  
Harry: I'm the Boy-Who-Lived!  
  
Penelope: That's nice. I didn't vote for you, though.  
  
[Harry bangs his head against his hand a few times. The attemped-concussion fails, however, so he's forced to keep on living.]  
  
Harry: You never _got_ to vote.  
  
Penelope: Is that so? How did you become the Boy-Who-Lived, then?  
  
Harry: Okay...well, one Halloween in 1981, this stupid rat bastard decided to tell Voldemort that my parents were hiding out in Godric's Hollow. Voldemort came round and killed off my parents, but he tried to kill me and I lived and got this nifty scar here.   
  
Percy: Okay, buddy, look here - just because you survived _Avada Kedavra_ doesn't give you the right to make yourself some kind of monarch! True and supreme executive power derives from a vote of the people, not some stupid scar.  
  
[Harry is mad again.]  
  
Harry: Shut up, Percy!  
  
Percy: Honestly, who the hell do you think you are? Think you've got supreme power because the Dark Lord couldn't murder you! He probably tripped over a rock or something!  
  
Harry: Percy - do me a favor and SHUT UP!  
  
Percy: I mean, I could go around saying I'm emperor because I have red hair, but then they'd call me mad!  
  
[Harry is Very Very Mad once again.]  
  
Harry: JESUS CHRIST, DON'T YOU EVER SHUT YOUR BLOODY MOUTH?!  
  
Percy: We're getting violent now, aren't we?  
  
[Harry, whose breaking point exploded a few lines back, grabs Percy in a headlock and punches him in the jaw.]  
  
Percy: Ow! Ow! SHIT! OWWW! Penny, get him off of me...I'm being repressed! OW! Look at this, the Boy-Who-OW-Lived is repressing me!  
  
[Harry throws Percy into the dirt at Penelope's feet. They both stare at him.]  
  
Harry: Bugger off, peasant!  
  
[He grabs Ron by the ear and they both stomp away. Percy and Penelope look at each other.]  
  
Percy: That's what I'm on about, you saw him repressing me, didn't you? I mean, honestly, and you criticize me for yelling about that -  
  
Penelope Wanna snog?  
  
Percy: [shrugs] I'm game.  
  
[We cut to a shot of a forest. Harry, Ron, and the coconut-clopping owls are sitting on the ground, watching Draco and Pansy Parkinson duel with their wands. Draco yells out a spell and blasts Pansy, who promptly dies. As fangirls all over the world celebrate the her death, Harry approaches Draco.]  
  
Harry: You fight with the strength of many men, Sir Malfoy.  
  
[Draco is silent.]  
  
Harry: My name is Harry Potter, and I am the Boy-Who-Lived.   
  
[Silence.]  
  
Harry: I am looking for people to help me defeat the Dark Lord Voldemort.  
  
[Still, Draco is silent.]  
  
Harry: You make me sad, Sir Malfoy.  
  
[Harry starts to leave, his three followers following (which is what they do best, right?) when suddenly Draco decides to speak.]  
  
Draco: None shall pass.  
  
Harry: Excuse me?  
  
Draco: None shall pass.  
  
Harry: Look, I don't hate you or anything, we have no quarrels. Let me cross the bridge, because I really need to gather some good wizards.  
  
Draco: But first...!  
  
[He pauses very dramatically. Trumpets blare from nowhere, and wind sweeps up his gorgeous silverish locks of hair. Fangirls start screaming wildly and then prance off to pair him up with Harry in a slash fanfic filled with meaningless sexual activity. (Ha, I am so evil...*smirk*)]  
  
Draco: We duel.  
  
Harry: I don't feel like it - get out of the way!  
  
Draco: I move for no person. Especially you, Potter.  
  
[The fangirls are getting restless, so they decide come up with a tragic reason for why Draco is such a little bastard. Finally, they're all shot in the necks with tranquilizers and dragged off the set, much to the delight of non-fangirls.]  
  
Harry: Fine, then I'll have to move you myself!  
  
[Harry flings out his wand. The two of them begin a very feisty (down, girls) duel, yelling out every spell and hex they know. Finally, Harry yells out some weird spell that he made up off the top of his head, and Draco's arm promptly falls off.]  
  
Harry: Then I am the victor. You were a worthy advisory, Sir Malfoy, but stand aside.  
  
Draco: Ha! A hippogriff could've done worse, and it has!  
  
Harry: B-but hold on a second! I just sliced your arm off!  
  
Draco: What are you on about? My arms are perfectly fine.  
  
[Harry groans and then gestures to Draco's arm, which is lying on the ground and wriggling. Eeew...]  
  
Draco: Oh, please. I've had so much worse. Bring it on, you stupid Mudblood-lover!  
  
[Draco runs at Harry with all of his strength, but before he can do anything, Harry uses the made-up spell and slices Draco's other arm off.]  
  
Harry: Now I have most certainly won!  
  
Draco: Come on, now! Stop avoiding me - are you scared, you little wuss? I said to bring it on, and you didn't even touch me!  
  
Harry: Honestly! I've already beaten you, I am victorious! Please go away and get to a doctor before you bleed to death or something!  
  
Draco: [laughing] I get it now! You can't take anymore, can you?  
  
[Draco runs over to Harry and kicks him in the leg. Harry gives him one of those Looks, and so Draco retaliates by kicking Harry in the kneecap. Harry whips out his wand out of anger and amputates Draco's left leg. Draco starts hopping around on his single surviving limb.]  
  
Draco: Oh, you! I'll get you now!  
  
Harry: Are you drunk, or just stupid? You have one leg left. You can't do anything except bleed on me, and then I'll probably get AIDs or something...knowing where you've been, anyway.  
  
[Draco rushes at him again. Okay, more like hops.]  
  
Draco: I AM INVINCIBLE!  
  
Harry: ...You're a git.  
  
Draco: INVINCIBLE!  
  
[Harry slices Draco's last remaining leg off. Draco falls to the ground, balancing only on little bleeding stumps that used to be his legs.]  
  
Draco: Well then, I guess it's a draw.  
  
Harry: Finally. Jeez, you better see a doctor about your - er - condition, okay? Come along, Ron, Pig, and Hedwig! We ride!  
  
[Ron, Pig, and Hedwig (yeah, they're still there!) get up off the ground. Pig and Hedwig grab their coconuts and start clopping as the four of them cross the bridge into town.]   
  
Draco: [calling after Harry] I see, you're giving up! Come back, you yellow-bellied bastard, and fight me like a man!  
  
[Time passes, and our four "heroes" have reached town. A large crowd is standing in the town square, chanting and having fun and all that good stuff. A huge stake stands in the middle of the square and crowd, where someone is about to be burned. Included in the crowd is Marcus Flint, Crabbe, Goyle, and Hermione.]  
  
Crowd: Muggle! Muggle! We've got ourselves a Muggle!  
  
Marcus: Let's burn 'er!  
  
Crowd: Yeah! Fire is cool, man!  
  
[Hermione steps up next to the stake and starts yelling at the crowd.]  
  
Hermione: Why are you going to burn her? You can't be positive this woman's a Muggle.  
  
Crabbe: [indignantly] Well, she looks like one.  
  
Hermione: Well...can I see her?  
  
[The Muggle appears, who just happens to be Sibyll Trelawney. She's not dressed in her regular robes and all that - instead, she's wearing stuff that Muggles wear, to the ninth power. We're talking geeky suspenders, bandanas, sunglasses, a dress with pants underneath, and to top it off, a shirt that says in very messy scrawl "I AM A MUGGLE." She's also wearing a flowered nightgown underneath it all.]  
  
Trelawney: I'm not a Muggle. [twitches]  
  
Hermione: Well, you are dressed like a Muggle...and I certainly wouldn't_ mind _you being burned...  
  
[Trelawney comes out of her oblivious state and starts going mad.]  
  
Trelawney: They dressed me up like this! They did, I swear to God, I swear they did it! Do I really dress like this, do I?! THEY DID IT, THEY DID EVERYTHING! THEY KNOCKED ME OUT WITH A BROOM AND THEN DRESSED ME UP LIKE THIS!   
  
Crowd: Uh...no we didn't.  
  
[Hermione looks at Trelawney's odd shirt, then turns to the crowd.]  
  
Hermione: Explain.  
  
Marcus: Okay, so we did the shirt.  
  
[Hermione stares at him.]  
  
Marcus: [pauses] And the bandana...but she's still a Muggle!  
  
Hermione: Well, we're all witches and wizards here, right? So why in the world are you burning her if she's a Muggle? Shouldn't_ she_ be the one burning _us_?  
  
[Silence reigns throughout the crowd. They obviously hadn't considered that, yes, they're all magic folk that are burning a Muggle.]  
  
Marcus: Er - it's opposite day.  
  
[Hermione shrugs, not knowing what to say.]  
  
Crowd: Burn, baby, burn!  
  
Hermione: Did you dress this woman up?!  
  
Crowd: Um...yeah, a bit.  
  
Crabbe: It was Archie's idea to use the nightgown, Miss Granger sir!  
  
[Hermione stares as old Archie comes running past, completely naked. He dashes up to Trelawney and yanks the nightgown from over her head (I know it's not exactly the epitome of logic since the nightgown's under the rest of her clothes, but then again, does anyone care?), puts it on his own body, and runs away happily.]  
  
Hermione: Okay...that was nice...let's all ignore that, shall we?  
  
Marcus: [points to Trelawney] She's wearing braces!  
  
Hermione: Honestly! [sighs] Even if she is Muggle, you're still not supposed to burn them! It's all written in _Why You Shouldn't Burn Muggles at the Stake!_  
  
Goyle: Well, um, she offered me a pen.  
  
[Hermione does a double-take.]  
  
Hermione: Excuse me?! What does that matter?!  
  
Goyle: Er - 'cos witches and stuff use quills.  
  
Crabbe: I want to see someone die! Just burn her!  
  
Crowd: Yeah! Burn 'er!  
  
[By this point, Hermione is more than angry. If anger was to be compared to jumping off a cliff, she'd be digging a tunnel at the bottom.]  
  
Hermione: SHUT UP, ALL OF YOU!  
  
[Everyone does so.]  
  
Hermione: [calms down] Okay, look. We can figure out if she's a Muggle very easily! There's a simple test!  
  
Crowd: How?  
  
Crabbe: Will the test put her through excruciating pain and suffering until one of her limbs freezes over and falls off?  
  
[Hermione groans and signals for the crowd to be quiet again.]  
  
Hermione: Now, what do Muggles do when they find a witch?  
  
Crabbe: They burn 'em!  
  
Crowd: [sounding just like Beavis and Butthead] Fire, fire!  
  
Hermione: Correct. And, apart from witches, what else can you burn?  
  
Marcus: Plastics!  
  
Goyle: Marshmallows!  
  
[Oliver Wood walks past.]  
  
Crabbe: Er - wood?  
  
Hermione: Exactly! So, by the powers of logic, why do witches burn and Muggles don't?  
  
[Everyone is silent for ten minutes. Hermione starts smacking her forehead repeatedly. Finally, Goyle speaks up.]  
  
Goyle: 'Cause witches and wizards are made of wood?  
  
Hermione: Bravo, Goyle!  
  
[The crowd, being as stupid as they are, begin banging their heads and other various body parts against buildings and such, just to see if they really are made of wood.]  
  
Hermione: [frantically] Stop, stop! Please, just stop!  
  
[Eventually, half the crowd passes out from blood loss and concussions, so everyone else has enough common sense and logic to stop. Hermione sighs and continues on with her earlier explanation.]  
  
Hermione: All right. Since all witches and wizards are made from wood, can you tell me what wood does?  
  
[Pause.]  
  
Goyle: He plays Quidditch.  
  
Hermione: Not that wood. I meant the thing that parchment's made from.  
  
Marcus: It burns Muggles!  
  
Remainder of Crowd: Yeaaaaah! Burn burn burn!  
  
Hermione: You people are a bunch of pyromaniacs, aren't you?  
  
Crowd: Certainly!  
  
[Hermione groans and slaps her forehead.]  
  
Hermione: Anyway...yes, wood does burn Muggles, but it also does something else! It isn't that hard, even for a bunch of idiots like yourselves...  
  
Crabbe: It floats?  
  
Hermione: Exactly! My, Crabbe, you're smarter than I thought.  
  
[Crabbe nods, and then tucks his copy of the script behind his back, smirking innocently.]  
  
Hermione: So, wood floats, correct? Can someone tell me something else that floats?  
  
Goyle: Muggles! BURN HER!  
  
Hermione: [impatiently] For the love of God, can you stop thinking about burning things for one minute?! Let me finish my explanation!  
  
Goyle: [under his breath] Humph...wrong time of the month, I reckon...  
  
[Hermione, fortunately for humanity, doesn't hear this comment.]  
  
Hermione: Well? What floats?  
  
Marcus: Clouds!  
  
Crabbe: Broomsticks!   
  
Goyle: Um, _Wingardium Leviosa_?   
  
[Out of nowhere, Harry, Ron, and the owls come clopping up with their coconuts. Hermione doesn't seem to notice them at the moment, as she's too busy hitting herself over the idiocy of the crowd.]  
  
Harry: Ducks.  
  
Hermione: [noticing Harry and Ron] Huh? ...Yeah, that's absolutely correct! Ducks! So, by the powers of logic once again -  
  
Marcus: [hesitantly, stumbling over his words] If this woman is really a witch...um, she'll weigh as much as a duck, because...then she'll be able to float on water! If she doesn't, she's a Muggle.  
  
Goyle: H-hey, I don't look like I weight as much as a duck...  
  
[He gestures to his nonexistent neck and large beer belly. Yeah, he has a beer belly at age fifteen, so shut up. Hermione and Harry both shrug and choose to ignore him.]  
  
Ron: [to Goyle] I'm sure it's...um...just a thing.  
  
[Harry smacks Ron upside the chin.]  
  
Harry: Shut up, you git! You're not supposed to talk until the next scene, and that's still only one sentence!  
  
Ron: [bitterly; under his breath] Oh, easy for you to say, Mr. I'm-the-star-of-the-books-and-the-Boy-Who-Lived-just-because-my-parents-were-killed.  
  
Hermione: Okay, okay, let's get back to weighing this old frau - err, I mean, this woman. We'll use a scale to do it, like any normal people should. Someone please get me a very large scale and a duck!  
  
[The crowd begins wandering around for a few minutes. Finally, a bunch of people bring up a very large scale, which on one side they put Trelawney in. On the other side, someone brings in a duck. Hermione looks at the scale, and sure enough, Trelawney is much heavier than the duck. The crowd cheers in triumph and moves off to begin the burning process. (Rejoice!) Harry, however, approaches Hermione.]  
  
Hermione: Hullo. You're quite wise in the way of science...I've not seen you around these parts. Who are you?  
  
Harry: I am Harry Potter.  
  
[Hermione gasps in surprise and looks at his scar, then curtsies.]  
  
Hermione: M-my liege!  
  
Harry: Okay...y'know, I'd love for you to join me on my quest to help rule the magical community, but you're a girl, and girl's aren't normally knights...oh, to hell with it! How would you like to gain supreme power and get to ride a horse?  
  
Hermione: I would be honored, sir!  
  
Harry: What's your name, then?  
  
Hermione: Granger. Hermione Granger.  
  
[Pierce Brosnan runs past, smacking Hermione upside the head. He then screams and jetpacks away as Voldemort Apparates in, looks around, and then Disapparates away to find him. Everyone decides to ignore this.]  
  
Harry: Then I dub thee SIR GRANGER!  
  
[Triumphant music plays in the background, but it's cut very short when Hermione frowns at him in displeasure.]  
  
Hermione:_ Sir _Granger?  
  
Harry: Use it or lose it, sister.  
  
Hermione: I'll use it.  
  
[Now we cut to a shot of Harry, Ron, Hedwig, and Pig walking through the forest, now accompanied by a bunch of people. The narrator, who just happens to be Lee Jordan, comes in overhead.]  
  
Lee: Hi, people! Professor McGonagall banned me from commentating the next Quidditch match. She seems to think that it's a crime that I told Marcus Flint he's got a small di - oooh, sorry, I better get on with this narration! The first person to join up with Harry and Ron was Sir Granger the Wise.  
  
[Shot of Hermione. Crookshanks walks behind her, clopping coconuts.]  
  
Lee: More were to follow, though, just so the story doesn't get boring! Next, the group found Sir Finnigan the Brave!  
  
[Shot of Seamus Finnigan, with a blast-ended skrewt doing his clopping for him. Seamus doesn't look too pleased with this, as the skrewt keeps exploding all over his robes and such.]  
  
Lee: Next up was Sir Thomas the Pure.  
  
[Shot of Dean Thomas, followed closely by his clopper, Buckbeak.]  
  
Lee: The group then found Sir Longbottom the Not-As-Brave-or-Wise-or-Pure-As-the-Other-Three-Knights who _nearly_ failed Charms, and who_ nearly_ managed to get Sir Granger to the Yule Ball, but who most _definitely _wets his pants everytime someone mentions Professor Snape.  
  
[Shot of Neville Longbottom and his clopper Trevor, who keeps running away. Neville also keeps tripping over his robes.]  
  
Lee: The last person the group found was Sir-Not-Appearing-In-This-Fanfic.  
  
[Lee's hand comes into view, holding up a picture of Blaise Zabini's body. Of course, only his/her left big toe is visible, because Lee accidentally dropped the camera when he was taking the picture, so I guess we'll never know if he/she is a boy or a girl.]  
  
Lee: Together, these group of five men - er, I mean four men and one woman - formed the group that would try and overthrow the Ministry of Magic so Harry Potter could rule over the wizarding world! They called themselves the Knights of the Not-So-Round-Table. Normally, the table would've been round, but Sir Longbottom blew part of it up. So anyway, I think these five kids are our only hope or something...I'm going off to pray now. Bye!  



	3. "This, Harry, is the Holy Grail."

Part two. Yay.  
  
And I know this has no relevance whatsoever, buuut...when I was watching "Harry and Me" a few weeks ago (after I finished chapter one), JK held up those cool little student plans, right? And so, by looking at them closely, I've come to the conclusion that Blaise Zabini is female. But too DAMN BAD.  
  
Excuse my (extremely) poor use of French with Fleur and her groupies. :X  
  
DISCLAIMER: I don't own...etc.  


**  
Harry Potter and the Holy Grail - Part Two**  
By Platinum Bunny  
  


[When we last left our five "heroes," they were in search of the Ministry of Magic. Now, they're walking below a giant hilltop. King Harry Potter leads the pack, followed by Ron, Sir Thomas the Pure, Sir Hermione Granger the Wise, Sir Neville Longbottom The-Not-As-Brave-Or-Wise-Or-Pure-As-The-Other-Three-Knights, and Sir Seamus Finnigan brings up the lead. Poor Seamus is being murdered by his blast-ended skrewt, as if keeps exploding every two seconds. At the moment, Hermione is explaining something to Harry.]  
  
Hermione: ...And that, good sir, is why you never put a frog in a microwave.  
  
Harry: [in amazement] Sir Granger, these new concepts amaze and fascinate me! Do tell me the one about how aconite can prevent earthquakes, will you?  
  
[Hermione opens her mouth to speak, but fails to do so. Dean shoves his way to the front of the crowd, Buckbeak knocking Neville to the ground for a moment, and points straight ahead of them.]  
  
Dean: THE MINISTRY OF MAGIC!  
  
Harry: The Ministry of Magic!  
  
Seamus: The Ministry of Magic!  
  
Ron: It's only a model.  
  
[Which is very true - the large group stands in front of a one-foot, childlike model of the Ministry of Magic. Harry glowers, grabs a coconut from Hedwig, and smashes Ron over the head with it.]  
  
Harry: Shut _up_, Ron. So anyway...my fellow knights, let us find Cornelius Fudge and proceed to convince him that, yes indeed, Volde -  
  
[From out of nowhere (quite literally), Cornelius Fudge appears. He's wearing an ugly suit, an ugly tie, an ugly bowler hat, and it's all on his ugly body. And it's not like I'm biased, people, it's really the truth.]  
  
Neville: That was convenient.  
  
Harry: Mr. Fudge, sir, I am Harry Pott -  
  
[He is cut off by Fudge jumping in his face. Music starts playing.]  
  
Fudge: [singing very throatily to the tune of "Turkey in the Straw"] Ministry of Magic! Ministry of Magic! The -  
  
Voice: _AVADA KEDAVRA_!  
  
[Boom. Fudge drops to the ground, frozen and dead. In the background, a bunch of Death Eaters give each other high fives. The group notices that Harry and the other knights are staring, so they all quickly run away down the hill.]  
  
Neville: Once again, rather convenient.  
  
Harry: ...On second thought, let's just skip the whole Ministry deal.  
  
[They all continue walking for a few moments. Suddenly, all of them look into the sky as a loud, booming voice appears that sounds mysteriously like Professor Dumbledore. Okay, so it _is_ him, but it made you kinda suspenseful, right?]  
  
Dumbledore: Harry!  
  
[Dumbledore's magnified head appears in the sky. All the knights and their pets, except for Buckbeak (who is chewing on Neville's foot) kneel down and bow their heads. Dumbledore suddenly makes a noise of impatience.]  
  
Dumbledore: Oh, come on, stop groveling! I hate it when people grovel. I mean, everytime I try and talk to someone, it's always the same. "Oh, headmaster, I really didn't mean to do it!" "Please don't kill me!" GOD, I hate it.  
  
[The knights stand up, but don't look at the image of Dumbledore.]  
  
Dumbledore: What the hell are you doing now?  
  
Harry: Averting our eyes, headmaster.  
  
Dumbledore: WELL DON'T!  
  
[With some difficulty, the group manages to look at Dumbledore.]  
  
Dumbledore: So - back to my important speech. [clears throat] Harry! You and these Knights, the Knights of the Not-So-Round table - by the way, Mr. Longbottom, your Potions Master isn't happy about his damaged table.  
  
[Neville pales.]  
  
Dumbledore: Anyway, in these dark times, we need a bunch of Saviors. So, I have chosen to you do a task so difficult you may not make it back alive. No, scratch that last part, make it 'you make not make it back sane.' No, no, keep the old one...  
  
Harry: [quickly interrupting] Smashing, headmaster.  
  
Dumbledore: [swelling with pride] Yeah, I know. So anyway, Harry, let me show you what you are to retrieve.   
  
[There is a pause, while Dumbledore looks down, muttering and cursing under his breath. Finally, he holds up a piece of parchment with the words "HOLY GRAIL" and a very juvenile picture of the cup underneath it.]  
  
Dumbledore: This, Harry, is the Holy Grail. Study it carefully...the real thing looks exactly like this, only without the scribbled-out parts...oh yeah, and I don't think it has a hole in the middle. Oh, to hell with this.  
  
[He tosses the paper over his shoulder, and the image of his face disappears. The knights, not taking to mind their headmaster's mood, are very excited about the upcoming mission. They run for a while along the countryside, then tire out and walk instead. They do this for about two days, before a gorgeous-looking castle comes into view.]  
  
Hermione: Beauxbaton.  
  
Others: Aaaaah, oooh...nice.  
  
[Harry and the rest approach the castle doors. Fleur Delacour and a bunch of her Beauxbaton groupies are standing around. While the groupies giggle and point at the knights, Fleur approaches them. Ron looks very dazed as she does.]  
  
Harry: Hi.  
  
Fleur: 'Allo. Who is zis?  
  
Harry: Oh, I'm Harry Potter. These are my fellow Knights of the Not-So-Round Table. If you could be so kind, could you tell us who lives in this castle?  
  
Fleur: Zis is Beauxbaton, belonging to my headmeestress, Madame Maxime.  
  
Harry: Please, go tell Madame Maxime that we have been sent by Albus Dumbledore on a sacred quest. If she lets us stay in her luxuries riches for a night or two, then she can join us as well.  
  
Fleur: Ah - well, Madame Maxime ees not wanting zat, see. She already 'as one.  
  
Harry: What?  
  
Dean: I think she already has one, Harry.  
  
Harry: Oh, are you very sure she has one?  
  
Fleur: Yes, of course I am - [whirls around to face the rapidly talking groupies] Yes, yes, I already told zem she 'as one!   
  
Harry: [looking confused] Er, okay. So can we go into the castle and have a look, then? It won't take long, I promise.  
  
[Fleur stops snapping at her groupies and turns to Harry, looking extremely offended, as do the groupies. The Knights all look extremely confused.]  
  
Fleur: [angrily] Of course not! You...you are all leetle children, and Eenglish ones at zat! No no, I cannot allow you to proceed!  
  
Harry: Oh? If we're _English_, then what are _you_?  
  
[Harry smiles proudly, as though he's just made some sort of important statement. Of course, Fleur doesn't look too impressed - on the contrary, she slaps herself on the forehead and glares.]  
  
Fleur: French! I am _French_! Why do you theenk I 'ave zis accent?  
  
Harry: So what're you doing in England?  
  
[By this point, both Harry and Fleur are getting exasperated. Fleur's groupies gather behind her, glaring angrily at the Knights, who kind of stand around cluelessly. Neville looks frightened, and Ron's too preoccupied with Fleur to really notice anything else.]  
  
Fleur: Mind your own business!  
  
Harry: Look here, woman. If you don't show us the Grail soon, my Knights and I are going to take your entire academy hostage!  
  
Fleur: [outraged] EES ZAT SO?! Well, Monsieur Potter, you do not frighten me! No 'Ogwarts student could _posseebly_ defeat those of Beauxbaton! Just because you are ze Boy-'Ooh-Lived does not mean anyzing! I blow my nose at you!  
  
[She leans forward and snorts into Harry's face. At this point, Harry's rage is replaced by slight concern for Fleur's sanity. The other Knights, however, look extremely confused and skeptical.]  
  
Dean: You're a nutter.  
  
Harry: Okay, look here -  
  
Fleur: [interrupting angrily] I refuse to speak to you anymore, you empty 'eaded Blast-Ended-Skrewt! Your preseenze irritates moi! Your fathair was a stag and your mothair smelt of rat piss!  
  
[Now even Neville looks confused. There is a very long pause.]  
  
Dean: Er - could we speak to someone else about this?  
  
Fleur: No! Begone, all of you, or else I will be forced to taunt you a second time! Shoo! Shoo! SHOO!  
  
Harry: Look, this is the last chance I'm giving you! Honestly, I've been _more_ than reasonable, and you're just talking rubbish about rat piss or whatever! Come_ on_, let me see the stupid Grail!  
  
Fleur: [turns to her groupies; said sternly] Libérez secrète l'arme.  
  
Groupies: Pourquoi?  
  
Fleur: [impatiently] Faites-juste le!  
  
[The groupies glance at each other uneasily before shuffling inside the castle. Fleur turns to the Knights, smiling haughtily. Ron goes beat red, and then stops when Hermione smashes his toe with her foot. The group sits around for about fifteen minutes. Finally, Fleur pokes her head into the castle and screams something in French. Then she turns back to the Knights, smiling.]  
  
Fleur: I apologize for ze techneecal difficulties.  
  
Harry: S'okay. So anyway, like I was saying -  
  
[Harry is interrupted by a large, irritating noise. The Knights look up at the top of the castle, where a huge hippogriff comes flying out, its eyes red, arrows sticking out of its butt...basically, it's pissed off. It dives straight at the Knights, who scream and dug. Buckbeak goes insane and nearly chops Seamus's head off, then flies off into the distance. A large horde of hippogriffs follow the first.]  
  
Harry: Bugger...they never gave me the proper training for scaring off mad hippogriffs...um, so I guess we have to _ATTACK_! WANDS OUT! CHARGE!  
  
Knights: CHARGE!  
  
[Before anyone can cast a curse, the hippogriffs start biting.]  
  
Harry: Change of plan! RUN AWAAAAAAAY! RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN!  
  
[The Knights run like bats out of hell down the hill. Fleur laughs haughtily and flips her hair over her shoulder. Quick scene change to the bottom of the hill, where the Knights are slowly recovering from their surprise attack. Buckbeak has wandered back to the group, and Dean is halfheartedly trying to bow to him...it doesn't help that Dean has a busted back from the mad hippogriffs.]  
  
Dean: [angrily, rubbing his back] That veela _bitch_! I'll rip her limb from lip, I will!  
  
Harry: No, she's too hot. Don't.  
  
Hermione: [thoughtfully] Sir...I do believe I have a plan.  
  
[A few hours later, Fleur is still standing at her post. She watches in total confusion as a large shadowy figure comes up the mountain. Once she gets a clearer view of it, it's revealed to be a gigantic wooden ferret. Of course, what she doesn't know is that the Knights are pushing it from behind. Once the ferret is at the top, the six of them scatter away towards the forest. Fleur approaches the Trojan Ferret curiously, and then blinks.]  
  
Fleur: Un furet...? Ah, nevermind. [turns to the castle and calls into it] VENEZ HORS D'ICI!  
  
[The groupies come scrambling out.]  
  
Groupies: Oui, Delacour de manque?  
  
Fleur: Nous avons reçu un cadeau. Mis l'intérieur.  
  
[The groupies nod and then move behind the giant ferret, pushing it through the castle doors. At the forest below, the six Knights are huddled close together, holding their breath. When they hear the loud doors slam shut, they release their breath, and their faces return to their normal colors.]  
  
Neville: Not to be rude, but why did we make a Trojan _Ferret_? Why not something more intimidating...like a lion? That would be logical, since we're all Gryffindors here.  
  
Ron: Five words, Sir Longbottom - Malfoy, the Amazing Bouncing Ferret. [giggles madly]  
  
Harry: [to Hermione] So what happens next?  
  
Hermione: We wait until nightfall, right? So then Dean, Seamus, and I will jump out of the Trojan Ferret, taking the French totally by surprise - and they'll be unarmed, too! It's a perfect plan!   
  
Harry: Who leaps out?  
  
Hermione: [speaking hesitantly] Seamus, Dean, and I...leap out...of the ferret...and...oh, shit.  
  
Harry: [groans and slaps forehead] Sir Granger!  
  
Hermione: W-well, look! Maybe if we built a really big unicorn, then -  
  
[Hermione is cut off as the Trojan Ferret comes flying out of Beauxbatons, completely demolished. Fleur starts running down the hill, followed by her groupies, carrying their wands and looking distinctly pissed off. The six Knights jump to their feet and dash away, their animal followers banging the coconuts together at a very alarming rate.]  
  
Knights: RUN AWAY!  
  
[There is a very quick and abrupt scene change. We see Cedric Diggory standing next to the Goblet of Fire. Professor Sprout walks in front of the camera, checks the angle quickly, and then hurries offscreen.]  
  
Sprout: Okay, go for it, Cedric!  
  
Cedric: Right, then. When Fleur Delacour and her Beauxbaton crew pretty much kicked Harry's arse, he was severely put down. The utter ferocity and anger of the French's taunting and attacks startled him, and so Harry decided that in order to find the Holy Grail, a new plan was to be set up. Harry consulted the Knights closest to him, and came to the decision that they should all split up in search of the Grail. We will now cover each Knight's tale, starting with Sir Finni -  
  
[Before Cedric can finish, an unknown Death Eater pops up from behind the Goblet.]  
  
Death Eater: _Avada Kedavra_!  
  
[Cedric plops over, dead. Cho Chang dashes in front of the camera.]   
  
Cho: _CEDRIC_!  
  
[The scene changes. Neville is carrying Trevor, who is clopping his coconuts. The two of them walk rather nervously through the corridors of Hogwarts, only this time they are accompanied by someone new - Sirius Black. Lee Jordan pops up once again with his phat narration, yo.]  
  
Lee: This is the tale of Sir Longbottom! While traveling through the halls of Hogwarts, instead of just himself and his toad, Sir Longbottom decided to bring along his favorite minstrel.  
  
Sirius: [singing] Here we have Sir Longbottom, who rode forth from Hogwarts. His parents got hit by the Cruciatus Curse, brave Sir Longbottom. Yet he was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways! He was very brave, brave, Sir Longbottom! He was not in the least bit scared to be killed in a flash of green light, or to be put under Imperius and shove a piece of jagged metal through his head. To shake and shudder under Crucio, and his body turned into a burning corpse, brave Sir Longbottom! Not afraid to rot away with a piece of plastic shoved down his throat, not afraid of a Reductor curse on his penis -  
  
Neville: THAT'S QUITE ENOUGH, THANKS!  
  
[Sirius stops.]  
  
Sirius: So, d'you like my song?  
  
Neville: [sarcastically] Very _unique_.  
  
Sirius: [missing the sarcasm] Thanks, I just made it up today. A lot of people I sing for don't seem to like my songs, though, you're the first one who said I do a good job! It brings a smile to my face, it does.  
  
[Neville quickens his pace, now very disturbed by Sirius's behavior. The two of them (well, three if you count Trevor) suddenly stop as they approach the third-floor corridor. Neville unlocks the door and nervously steps inside. They are greeted by a very-awake Fluffy.]  
  
Neville: EEEP!  
  
All Heads: Who dares disturb me?  
  
Sirius: [starts to sing again] His name is Sir Longbottom, he -  
  
Neville: _Shut up_, will you!? [turns to Fluffy nervously] Erm, I'm n-no one, really, y'see, I was just kinda traveling around and -  
  
All Heads: What the hell d'you want?  
  
Sirius: [singing yet again] To fight and vanquish your evil cani -  
  
[Neville slams Trevor into Sirius's mouth, silencing him. Sirius stares at the toad in confusion, but doesn't bother to remove it. Neville sighs again and turns back to Fluffy, then remembers why he was so scared.]  
  
Neville: Well, er, I don't want anything really. See, I'm just kind of a Knight, and I have to get through you...yeah. P-please? I promise I won't, um, kill you or anything.  
  
All Heads: Yeah, right.  
  
Neville: [sounding eerily like Professor Quirrel] W-well actually, I-I'm a Knight of t-the Not-S-so-Round-Table...  
  
All Heads: You are?  
  
Neville: Yeah.  
  
Left Head: Bad choice, kiddo. Now I'm going to have to brutally slaughter you into a bloody pulp and then eat your remains.  
  
Center Head: Oh, can't _I_?  
  
Right Head: [scoffs] I don't think so.  
  
Center: Really, then what am I _supposed_ to do?  
  
Left Head: We just have to murder the boy, lads!  
  
Right Head: But we've killed more than enough people to feed us for a year, this week alone! Couldn't we just be nice to him?  
  
Center Head: Oh, shut up.  
  
Left Head: [trying to create peace] Okay, so perhaps -  
  
Center Head: You, too! Shut it! I'm sick of bloody sharing a body with you - you're always so touchy and perfect!  
  
Left Head: [now getting impatient] Oh for heaven's sake, someone bite the kid's head off! I want to see someone die!  
  
Right Head: Go eat your own head!  
  
Center Head: Yes, do us _all_ a favor!  
  
Left Head: Ex_cuse_ me?!  
  
Right Head: Yeah, you heard us. Always yapping away about something or another, it gets _extremely _annoying.  
  
Center Head: [to Right Head] Consider yourself lucky, mate. You're not next to him at night, now are you?  
  
Left Head: What does that have to do with anything?  
  
Center Head: You snore.  
  
Left Head: W-what?! I most certainly do _not_ snore! And anyway, _you _have bad breath!  
  
Center Head: We're bloody dogs, we're supposed to have bad breath. It's no excuse for your snoring, though.   
  
Right Head: Would you two stop bitching? I want some tea.  
  
Left Head: [sigh of defeat] Yes, that's good. We'll kill the lad, then have some tea and biscuits. That sounds rather enjoyable, don't you think so?  
  
Center Head: Yeah.  
  
Right Head: No, I hate biscuits...Hagrid gave me some of the ones he made and they nearly gave me heart failure, remember?  
  
Left Head: 'Kay, no biscuits. But let's kill him.  
  
All Heads: Yeah.  
  
[Fluffy turns back to the spot where Neville, Sirius, and Trevor were standing a few minutes ago. Unfortunately for them, Neville had enough sense to run away and jump down the trapdoor while Fluffy was fighting with himself.]  
  
Left Head: Whaddaya know. He scampered.  
  
[Cut to down under the trapdoor. Neville, Sirius, and Trevor have just escaped from the already destroyed Devil's Snare, and have begun walking along the long corridor.]  
  
Sirius: [starts to sing] That Sir Longbottom, he ran away -  
  
Neville: Shut up.  
  
Sirius: - Ran away, he ran away -  
  
Neville: Honestly, Sirius, I really mean it, shut up!  
  
Sirius: - When Fluffy reared its ugly head, Sir Longbottom simply turned and fled -  
  
Neville: No I didn't!  
  
Sirius: Oh Sir Longbottom turned about -  
  
Neville: Come on, quit it!  
  
Sirius: - Chickened out like only a true little girl would -  
  
[Neville, in a fit of anger, kicks Sirius in the...well, let's just say that if Sirius had a love life before, he sure as hell doesn't have one now. And even though Sirius endured twelve years in Azkaban, there's one thing the poor lad can't take, and that's a kick to his manhood. He collapses on the floor, groaning in pain. Neville stares at him. Trevor gives a small ribbit.]  
  
Neville: He _was _annoying, wasn't he?  
  
[Wording comes up on the screen: "The Tale of Sir Thomas." Cut to Dean and Buckbeak, hovering peacefully above a green countryside. Off in the distance, Dean spots a castle, and Buckbeak quickly approaches it. Once they get within 100 feet of the castle, though, a huge storm starts up. Cursing his luck, Dean hops off of Buckbeak and runs up to the castle door. As he looks it over, he notices, in one window, a glowing, grail-shaped object. Dean suddenly feels a lot better, and then starts pounding on the door.]  
  
Dean: OPEN UP! For the love of God, open up!  
  
[The door swings open, knocking Dean onto his already-injured back. He looks up to meet the face of Fred Weasley, staring cheerfully down at him.]  
  
Fred: Hullo, good sir! I see you've found Durmstrang!  
  
Dean: [stands up] This...er...I'm at Durmstrang?  
  
Fred: Yeah, well, this isn't _really_ Durmstrang. Just a cheap plastic imitation. [bangs on the walls, which make a hollow noise] But the people here are really nice, for the most part, and we'll tend to your every need!  
  
Dean: D'you have the Holy Grail?  
  
Fred: ...Yes?  
  
Dean: The _Holy Grail_. Is it here?  
  
Fred: [stares at him, then grins] You're pretty delusional, mate! Come on in and rest up a bit before resuming your journey. OY! COLIN! DENNIS! GET YOUR LITTLE ASSES IN HERE, PRONTO!  
  
[Colin and Dennis Creevey come dashing into the room.]  
  
Creevey Brothers: What is it, O Wise One?  
  
Fred: Prepare a bed for our guest.  
  
Creevey Brothers: Oooh, yes oh yes! Most certainly, Mister Weasley, wise old Gred of the Weasley twins, of course we'll do -  
  
Fred: [kicks at them] Get moving, you little prats!  
  
[Colin and Dennis dash away. Fred turns back to Dean, a very scary-looking smile on his face, almost like the ones stalkers get when they're about to cut your throat. Dean whimpers and backs away in fright.]  
  
Fred: Our beds are filled with a water-like substance, good sir.  
  
Dean: Er - like water?  
  
Fred: [snappishly] Did I not just say a _water-like_ substance, you ignorant ape?!  
  
[Dean whimpers again. Fred takes a few deep breaths and then resumes his stalker-esque smiling.]  
  
Dean: Um, look, maybe I should just -  
  
Fred: I'm sorry, I do believe I haven't got your name. Please give it to me.  
  
Dean: Sir Thomas the Chaste.  
  
[Fred raises an eyebrow at his name, but decides to ignore it for now. Instead, he bows in greeting and yanks Dean through the door, slamming it behind him. The plastic wobbles dangerously.]  
  
Fred: Nice to meet you, sexless boy! I'm Fred Weasley, but you can call me Gred, if you really want to.  
  
Dean: T-that's great, er, yeah. Could you _please_ just show me where you're keeping the Holy Grail, because I have to get back to the rest of my clan.  
  
Fred: [shakes head sorrowfully] Poor boy, you've suffered so...you're talking nonsense, you poor thing.  
  
Dean: [angrily] Come on, now, show me the damn chalice!  
  
Fred: Sir Thomas! Are you actually _refusing_ my kind, generous nature? I'm offering you a warm bed, food - hospitality, man!  
  
Dean: [nervous] Er - um...  
  
[Fred cuts him off, waving his hand impatiently and laughing arrogantly. He sounds eerily like Gilderoy Lockhart as he does.]  
  
Fred: Well, good Knight, I suppose my modest living must frighten you, and pale in comparison to your life of bloodshed and chastity! In this castle resides young women ages thirteen and a half to seventeen, with nothing to protect us but our pitiful, hand-me-down wands! Our lives are simple - sleep, eat, dress, Quidditch, undress, throw up our food as to not become obese, go back to sleep - we're obviously not accustomed to having tall, virgin knights around the house!  
  
[He suddenly notices that Dean has a shoulder wound on his shoulder. Well, what were _you _expecting?]  
  
Dean: N-no, it's really nothing.  
  
Fred: No, you must see our nurses! Lie down!  
  
[Dean, perhaps fearing for his life, lays down on the bed that has been magically wheeled in. Fred claps loudly. Madam Pomfrey and Minerva McGonagall come dashing into the room, both dressed in slightly revealing nurses outfits. Which, if you consider the fact they're both kinda old, is really disgusting. Moving on...]  
  
Pomfrey: Oh, is the boy hurt?  
  
[Dean has gone into temporary shock upon seeing more of McGonagall than he ever wanted. Okay, now that was uncalled for.]  
  
Dean: Are they doctors?!  
  
Fred: Um...err...[mumbles incoherently, then brightens up] Enjoy yourselves, ladies, do your thing!   
  
[He leaves rather quickly.]  
  
Pomfrey: Relax, now.  
  
Dean: This _really_, _really_ isn't necessary.  
  
[He suddenly cries out in shock, anger, and fear as McGonagall and Pomfrey climb up on his bed on either side of him.]  
  
Dean: HEY! Didn't you hear me?! I'm the _CHASTE KNIGHT!_ I'm sworn to chastity, dammit, don't do this! RAPE! RAPE!  
  
[Dean leaps out of the bed, but is grabbed by the scruff of his neck by McGonagall and slammed roughly back on the bed.]  
  
Dean: [panicky] Stoppit, c'mon, pleeease...I've seen the Holy Grail, I need to go and get it for Dumbledore, he _needs_ it!  
  
Pomfrey: [soothingly] Sir, there is no such thing here.  
  
Dean: I saw it, I saw it, I saw -  
  
[Dean is cut off by the entrance of four young women, aged thirteen and a half to seventeen. Angelina Johnson, Katie Bell, and Alicia Spinnet all fly in via broomstick, and Ginny Weasley cuts through one of the walls with a pair of safety scissors. They're wearing rather revealing gold robes, as well. The four girls walk over to the bed where Dean is laying, smiling at him. Dean's eyes go wide.]  
  
Girls: Hullo.  
  
Dean: Er, uh, hi.  
  
[From another door, George Weasley enters the room, grinning wickedly.]  
  
Dean: [relieved] Fred, thank God!  
  
George: Sorry, I'm not Fred. I'm George Weasley, Fred's identical twin brother.   
  
Dean: [sits up rather quickly] In that case, I'll be -  
  
George: Where d'you think you're going, Thomas?  
  
Dean: George, listen to me. I'm a Knight of the Not-So-Round-Table, and I'm here for the Holy Grail you have upstairs. You have to give it to me, I need to get it back to Dumbledore immediately!  
  
[George stares at him for a moment, then bursts out laughing. The four girls join in, as do Madam Pomfrey and McGonagall. Dean looks utterly confused at this. George wipes some of the tears from his eyes, then looks up.]  
  
George: Silly...that wasn't a Grail, boy. Our girls [points to the four girls, who giggle] light up our beacon at night, which just so happens to be shaped like one! We've had problems like this for a long while, see - you're not the first to be confused. Which one of you did it this time, then?  
  
[Ginny giggles. George nods knowingly.]  
  
Dean: [weakly] It's not the real Grail?  
  
George: [giggling] Bad, bad, bad Ginny, she is! Ginny, you are such a naughty little girl, and you must pay the price! Here at Durmstrang, we have only one penalty for lighting up the Grail-shaped beacon! You must tie her to a bed and spank her!  
  
Angelina, Katie, Alicia: Spank her!  
  
George: [nodding] Yes, a spanking. And after you do that, you may do as you please. Of course, you'll also have to spank our _other_ girls. [points to Angelina, Katie, and Alicia.]  
  
Ginny: But me first, you know!  
  
Angelina: Certainly!  
  
Katie: Of course!  
  
Alicia: Make it good...  
  
[The girls giggle and nod energetically after this. Dean doesn't look so enthusiastic to leave all of a sudden, and kind of grins and blushes when the four girls wink and whistle at him flirtatiously. George pats Dean on the back energetically.]  
  
George: After the spanking, my good man, comes the _oral sex_! Even for a chaste boy like yourself, you'll enjoy it very much!  
  
Ginny: Oooh, yes, the oral sex!  
  
Angelina: So good!  
  
Katie: Absolutely brilliant!  
  
Alicia: Only if it's good...  
  
Dean: [grins cheekily] I do suppose I'll stay a bit longer, then.  
  
[Before anything can happen, the doors of the castle slam open, and then fall to the ground as the rest of the castle gives another dangerous wobble. Sir Finnigan bursts into the room, pushing through the girls and grabbing Dean by the shoulders.]  
  
Seamus: Sir Thomas!  
  
Dean: Hi.  
  
Seamus: Quick!  
  
Dean: What?  
  
Seamus: Quick!  
  
Dean: Why?  
  
Seamus: Sir Thomas, you're in mortal peril!  
  
Ginny: [indignantly] Well, of course he's not.  
  
Seamus: Shut the hell up, you wrench!  
  
Dean: Sir Finnigan, calm down. It really isn't important, the girls are taking very good care of me.   
  
Seamus: Snap out of it, and let's go! We've _got_ to escape from this place!  
  
Dean: Sod off, I'm _fine_.  
  
[Seamus grabs Dean by the wrists and starts trying to yank him backwards. Dean, however, holds his ground very firmly.]  
  
Seamus: COME ON!  
  
Dean: Sir Finnigan...even if I _were_ in some sort of peril, I could very easily tackle this whole lot by myself! Stop worrying over me!  
  
Angelina: Ooh, please, take us on!  
  
Katie: We'll let you tackle us!  
  
Alicia: With _one hand._ [cheeky wink]  
  
Seamus: SHUT UP! [turns back to Dean and yanks on his arm] Come on, Sir Thomas, we're getting out of here _now_.  
  
Dean: Honestly, I'll be fine. This lot is easy.  
  
Girls: Oh, yes, we're very easy!  
  
George: [smirking] In more ways than one, my good sirs.  
  
Dean: [to Seamus, very impatient] I could beat the crap out of them easily! Don't have a kitten, Sir Finnigan, I can take care of myself.  
  
Ginny: Please beat us!  
  
Angelina: With all of your strength!  
  
Katie: Don't hold back!  
  
[Dean shrugs, and then throws Seamus off of him. He pulls his wand from his belt, and then conjures up a bunch of fireworks. The girls and George stare incredulously at them. Dean and Seamus run from the castle, but not before letting a lot of rain in. Fred strolls in the room, then blinks at the fireworks and the raindrops all over them.]  
  
Fred: Ah, shit.  
  
[WHAM. The fireworks shoot off in every direction. Cut to outside, where the rain has stopped. Seamus, Dean, Buckbeak, and the Blast-Ended Skrewt watch as the plastic begins melting. Inside, there are flames and high-pitched, feminine screams of horror as the castle melts.]  
  
Seamus: You're lucky I got you out...you were in peril.  
  
Dean: Yeah, right.  
  
Seamus: But you were! Sir Thomas, they were going to rape you!  
  
Dean: [scoffs] Oh? You think so? Maybe I should just walk in there and get myself out of this so-called "peril," then!  
  
Seamus: You'd best not, laddy. It's melting.  
  
Dean: Look. As a Knight, it's my duty to get into as many near-death experiences as possible. It was in our contract, remember?  
  
Seamus: [sigh] Yes, I do. But we're already _on_ a life-or-death quest, and that's to find the Holy Grail. We'll have plenty of time for peril later on.  
  
Dean: I want a little peril, though...  
  
Seamus: I've heard it's unhealthy, y'know.  
  
[There is a slight prolonged silence, in which time the Blast-Ended Skrewt goes off and burns Buckbeak's feathers.]  
  
Dean: Are you gay?  
  
Seamus: WHAT?!  
  
[Cut to a scene of Harry, Hermione, and Ron walking along the countryside, their respective cloppers behind them. Once again, Lee Jordan's voice is heard so he can put in his two cents.]  
  
Lee: Sir Finnigan saved Sir Thomas from losing his virginity at a young age, therefore preventing the Chaste Knight from getting any sort of STIs. Despite all this, they weren't anywhere close to getting the Grail. While all that useless crap was going on, King Harry, Sir Granger, and Ron were walking along the countryside, not more than a Snidget's flight away. I mean, they were _more_ than a Snidget's flight away, 'cos most of the time the Snidgets got caught before they could get even a mile away -  
  
Audience: HURRY UP!  
  
Lee: Christ, keep your knickers on. [clears throat] _Any_way, now we're heading into the best part of the whole damn script, in which King Harry finds the - oh, damn, we're not on that, are we?  



End file.
